two years ago, pt. 3

i woke up to see panzón in scrubs and a funny, shower-cap-looking hat, smiling uncontrollably and taking way too many pictures. looking back at those pictures, i realize that i, too, was wearing such a cap. the power nap energized me and, once the midwives came into the room, we were ready to go. i obviously had no idea what i was doing, but after a while, i understood that contractions are waves that you have to catch and ride out by pushing steadily.

there were about two hours of pushing and pausing and pushing, all of it captured on video by panzón, who was also there to hold my hand. while i pushed with all of my might from the inside, a midwife was using her hands and arms to push from the outside. coco was probably pushing too, with her little coconut head, because i felt a tremendous and slightly painful pressure right at the time when it PLOP!ed out. and then there she was: red, with a tiny scrunched-up face and a head full of hair.

she was placed on my breast immediately, which was beautiful, but also overwhelming. now what?, i asked myself, scared, excited, exhausted. i had been concentrating so much on giving birth, that i hadn't thought much about sustaining life.

two years ago, pt. 2

morning came and i was still not dilating in the dilating room. to get things going, a nurse applied prostaglandin gel in the form of a long, white shoelace that went in in in, against the current that was steadily flowing out. pretty soon, the contractions started (panzón and my mom took turns keeping me company and timing the waves of pain that came over me) and by noon, i was ready for the epidural. i was taken to the delivery room (alone!) and was told that the anesthesiologist would be with me in fifteen minutes. ok, i thought, totally doable, just a handful of contractions.

so there i was, alone and half-naked in a room filled with medical equipment, the most daunting machine of all staring me in the face. i could hear it mocking me with its ticking and its tocking. fifteen minutes went slowly by, then another fifteen excruciating minutes, and yet another. it seemed like the clock kept getting bigger and rounder and louder, the black numbers burning into my white pain. in between contractions, i was like a frog sticking out its tongue to catch a passing fly, or nurse.

when i finally caught one, she explained that another woman needed the injection first, to which the socialist in me replied "yes, i understand". after all, i was in a public hospital, receiving free healthcare, and if someone else needed it more, i would wait calmly. and i did. kind of. i ignored the clock and squeezed my pillow until the surprisingly young anesthesiologist came in, instructed me to lie on my side and stay still, which was nearly impossible during a contraction, and applied the injection.

oh, sweet numbness! i felt like i was floating on a fluffy, white cloud and fell into a deep sleep.

two years ago, pt. 1

two years ago, i awoke suddenly with the feeling that i had peed in my pajama pants, which are a pair of fuzzy, lime green drawstring sweatpants. that feeling took me back in time to a place in my life filled with the smell of apple juice and graham crackers, when i was a little over two years old and had the occasional potty accident. just like i did then, i felt embarrassed and confused and wet. i got out of bed in the two-in-the-morning darkness and clumsily found my way to the bathroom. then, sitting on the toilet, it dawned on me: my water had broken. the time had come (two weeks early?!). OH MY GOD.

i woke panzón up, by calling out from the bathroom, and told him what had happened. i was expecting him to freak out, yet he calmly asked me what color my waters were, so i parted my legs and squinted into the toilet bowl, but could not make anything out, since i was not wearing my glasses. he brought them to me, informed me that pinkish was good and instructed me to take a nice, relaxing shower while he called my mom, who was staying half a block away from where we lived. after hanging up, he thoughtfully packed my bag, helped me out of the shower and had me stand sideways in my underwear to take the last picture of my belly.

i was pretty uncomfortable and anxious, feeling the amniotic fluid drip drip dripping out of me, so when my mom arrived, we immediately left to the hospital, even though we knew we could wait until the contractions started. we walked to the car, which was parked in a public parking structure a couple of blocks away, past a bar overflowing with english hooligans from that night's football match, and over tiny rivulets of drunken urine that converged in the drains of our pedestrian street.

after a quick check-in/check-up at the hospital, we were informed that there were no signs of cervix dilation or effacement. they would have sent me back home, but let me spend the rest of the night in a dilating room, since it was so late. my mom went back to her hotel in a taxi and panzón stayed with me in the room that i shared with a south american woman, who snored very loudly during those last hours of the night and whose contractions started at dawn and rose with the sun. the snores behind the dividing curtain were replaced by "¡ay, mamá!" and "¡ay, mamita!" and "¡AY, AY, AY, AY, AAAAYYYYY!".

meanwhile, i was painless, but ¡AY!ing on the inside.